Healing heart
by Lawrence15
Summary: Tonys struggle with Ziva looking for a new beginning. He can't manage her leaving, so he has to do something about it and decides to contact her somehow. Takes place in the actual sesion 11
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Guys :) So this is my very first fanfic, and I'm excited to get startet. After Cote de Pablo announced to leave the show, I was left, as many other Tiva fans, with huge sadness. So I decided to write something to deal with it. I would love to know what you think about it, and maybe I will continue if you like :) **  
><strong>And please don't be mad at my bad english, it is not my native language, but I gave my best :) So please enjoy reading, and maybe you'd also like to give some advice on how to on or do better.<strong>

**xoxo - Lawrence**

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><p>„Tony, you are... so loved." Those words repeated themselves in his head over an over again. They caused a undefinable pain inside of him, like his heart being shredded into a zillion of tiny little pieces. Pieces, that only this one woman could stick back together.<p>

Thank God it's Sunday. Although weekends are the hardest, because he's not distracted by work or else.

He's mostly alone, sitting in front of the TV, drinking beer, sometimes too much and eventually standing up to eat something. Sometimes he went over to Gibbs place, knowing he's in his basement building something out of wood and always having an open ear for his senior field agent. Although he visited him some time, he never told Gibbs about the incidences in Israel. Those were private moments. Tony also feared that the reminder might make him cry like a little girl, make his facade fall just within seconds. And hell, he wanted this wall of self-protection not to crash, because otherwise... only God himself knows what will happen after-wards. He wasn't able to guarantee. And as long as there won't happen a miracle to bring the only person to fix his soul back, he was certain that it will be dangerous to let the wall crash. Not only because of him, but also because of his team. He must have their back. That's his duty. It would be unbearable to lose another member of the family he'd chosen for himself.

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><p>He hasn't told anyone about the things that happened in Israel after he found Ziva. He didn't want to. The moments they have shared there where theirs, to capture in their hearts. Back than they weren't partners, they were friends, even more than friends. They finally had the guts to admit it. Just to separate again. Man this hurt him so much. Even worse than the time he was left at the altar by his ex-fiancee Wendy. Though they had a special connection too, he never felt that way about any woman than to Ziva. She was his only-one. His soul-mate. He felt like he'd be never able to trust somebody, to love somebody like Ziva, again. And like the idiot he is, he let her slip through his fingers! How dumb could someone possibly be?! Sure, she wanted to start her live all over again, she wanted to fulfill the dreams she had as an innocent child, before her father turned her into a soldier, a ninja. His little ninja. He felt his throat thickening as he tried to swallow back the tears.<p>

Luckily he was at home, not at the office, so nobody could notice his emotional struggle. Gibbs would be furious if he did not concentrate on his work and slap his head. He smiled at that thought. This was Gibbs way to show Tony that Gibbs cared.

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><p>He missed her like hell. Even months after she decided to start a new life, to let him take the plane alone, he missed her from head to toe. Every inch of his body was longing for her. Her smell. Her touch. Her beautiful caramel skin. Her curly, dark-brown hair. He could still taste her lips on his. It was a desperate kiss back then. A kiss with which he tried to scream 'Please, don't let me go without you! I need you! I can't go on without you!'. But he failed miserably. What kind of a loser was he, that he let the woman of his dreams go away - again. He was weak. A weak man who didn't deserve her. She surely had already found a man who deserved to be loved by her. The thought made him mad, even furious. He pushed it aside, to not break the closest object he could reach. The emotional struggle will kill him one day. Why couldn't he just let go? The answer was obvious. He loved her, and that was an undeniable fact. He sighed. He should go to bed and try to sleep, another challenge he struggled with. He could not remind himself of the last time he slept through the night. But tomorrow was Monday, which means work, which means destruction for at least 9 hours. So he went to bed, closed his eyes and immediately pictured her stunning face. His mind going through the things that had happened in Zivas house of birth. Like other every night after she went away.<p>

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><p>The next day at work was rather uneventful. Tony and McGee had to do a lot of paperwork after they successfully closed anothetr case. During the day Tony managed to act like the normal Tony his team was used to. He did jokes about McGee, quotet lines from many classic films and got a headslaps from Gibbs for doing so. Even though he liked the least bit of normality that had left, he could go on like this anymore. The pain was eating him from the inside. He had to change something about it. But how? Maybe... maybe he should try to contact her? Yeah.. he knew that she didn't want any contact with her 'old life'.. but he needed to know if she is alright. If she had somehow found the things she was looking for or if she still was searching and trying to build up. A small 'Hey how are you?' would not hurt anybody.. But what if she changed all her contacts? He had her email address and a telephone number. Yes, he would try as soon as he arrives at home. Without hesitation he drove of the Navy Yard. And even a small smile formed on his face.<p>

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><p><strong> So that's it basicly :) Like I said, I just get started :P So if you like, please review. I'm open to any kind of advice or criticism!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

Tony entered his apartment and went strictly to his laptop. He opened his email client and thought about the right words he could type. There's only one chance to change everything. This moment could be the most important in his life. He thought about it carefully.

_'Dear Ziva,_

_I know, the last thing right now you can use, is someone from the past 'haunting' you._

_The past months here in D.C. had been very hard for me. I don't even know why I am still alive. It feels like my soul did not go into the plain back to D.C. with me. I have obviously lost it somewhere in Israel. ;-D_

_Maybe it would be interesting for you to know, that we have a new co-worker? Her name is Ellie Bishop. God, she is weird. But Gibbs must see potential in her, because he gave her that chance. _

_I miss looking over to you across the bullpen. NCIS isn't the same without you, but I accept your choice. I hope you found a little bit of the things you were looking for? So, are you a ballerina now? :-P just kidding._

_No, really, I was wondering if you are fine. I care about you and I cannot make you leave my mind... I miss you.  
>I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you are okay and on a good way to find your inner peace, your happiness.<em>

_Love, Tony. '_

He read the text over and over again. Suddenly he wasn't that sure anymore.  
>Ziva said, she had to make a new start. Without any contact to her old life in D.C. Without her friends, past.. Without him. But Tony couldn't help it. He needed her, that's for sure.<p>

"_Tony you are... so loved." _again those words. Why had she done that to him? Now that he knew, that she had some feelings for him, made the struggle even worse. They worked together for more than eight years. They never had the guts to tell the other how they feel. (And of course also because there was this stupid Rule #12! Damn it!)

And now, after those eight years of holding back, they manage to show each other their feelings. Regardless the sudden outburst of feelings, he let her slit trough his fingers. Again. God, how many times he's nearly lost this woman. How many times he tried to track her, find her, save her. He saved her from death, from evil boyfriends and had her back day after day at work. He could understand that she did not want to live in danger anymore, and maybe this was a wise decision.

Perhaps he didn't deserve to be happy with a woman. Like Wendy, Ziva has left him. It wasn't exactly the same situation, but the emotions there were as strong as those 12 years ago, maybe even stronger. He knew he would never find a woman like her again.

He read his email again. And again. Then a third time. The text is too 'more-than-friendship', too caring, she would probably feel narrowed, he decided and erased everything. He started to write a new one:

_'Hey Ziva, _

_I was curios and asked myself whether you are okay and whether you have accomplished some of your goals? I hope you are fine. _

_I miss you, Tony.'_

Yeah, that might be okay. Good friends write each other that they miss them, right? A good friend cares.

He clicked the 'Send'-button and hoped so badly she didn't change her email address. If so, than any hope to stay in contact with her again was gone. Any hope to get his soul back. But than forever.

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><p>It was a warm morning in Tel-Aviv when Ziva woke up. The light of the rising sun shined through the window into her bedroom. She still lived in her old childhood house, she though it would be the best place to start all over. A place, where everything seemed normal. No guns, weapons, or any other 'killer-stuff' that could drive her into old habits. Just the positive memories from when everything seemed fine. Though she was happy leaving her old life behind, there was still this undefinable emptiness inside of her. She ignored it, she thought once she found what she was looking for, the emptiness will be filled again.<p>

Ziva checked her phone. There was an email notification on the screen from 2 am. Who would write her an email in the middle of the night?

She opened it and stared in shock onto the screen. _Tony._

She read the email carefully and felt a tear escaping her eyes. How dare he? He knew she wanted to start all over, and for this, she had to leave everything behind. Even if it hurt in the beginning.  
>She thought this pain inside of her would go away the more time she spend finding herself again. But it never happened. Ziva admitted to herself, that her thoughts often slipped to the moment he kissed her at the airport.<br>She closed her eyes, trying not to cry again. Ziva still missed him. His warmth, his strength, his handsomeness and even the little-boy-like jokes and film references. The thought of him made the emptiness inside her grow even bigger.  
>It was now 8 month since she left her old life, and she managed to tidy her life up a little bit. She started taking balett lessons and to meet up with some old friends she hadn't contact with in decades, though she still didn't felt very at home. She liked this new life, however there was still something or someone missing to fulfill her happiness. And this someone probably was 6000 miles away.<p>

She sighed. Tony and her weren't partners anymore. A little chatting about life and what happened wouldn't hurt? She had nothing to do with his work anymore, this is only about the two of them.

Her lips formed into a small smile, though her eyes didn't smile with her lips.

She thought about answering his email, her heart pounding like the heart of a teenager asking her crush out for the first time.

_'Hey Tony,  
>I'm fine, thanks for remembering me :) Yes, I have accomplished some things. I started taking dance lessons.<br>I miss you too, Ziva. '_

She pushed 'Send'.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey Guys :)  
>You are everybody incredibly nice! I'd never imagine that you'd like my story and want me to continue *_* But you want, so I gave my very best on the following chapter!<br>I also have to add, that I have to learn for my finals, which are quite important (everybody needs/wants a degree right? :P ) and I don't want to screew them.. so don't be mad at me when I don't manage to update the story in time..  
>Thanks again, Lawrence<strong>

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><p><em>0600. <em>The alarm clock goes on without woke up after another restless night and punched the clock so it would turn of. His mind flew around the one woman he wanted so badly to see again. He imagined how it would be, if she writes back, although he really doubted it. His time without her and the days turned into a painful ordinariness which he barely could stand. But what else should he do? He knew that he wasn't complete without her, without his soul mate. There was no other choice than just vegetating.

He stood up and went to the bathroom, to wash his face with ice-cold water. After wards he stood up and made his way to his computer which was standing on his dining-table. He hesitated. What if the email came back, because she changed her address? What if it didn't, so it'd been delivered, but she hasn't answered because she didn't want any contact with him? What if she DID answer? He didn't know what he would do in any of the these possibilities, at least there was a 50/50 chance. He was so scared about his thoughts that his hands were shaking when he turned on the laptop.

He started his email client. Five unread emails. Three of them were facebook notifications, one spam and the last one...

_'Hey Tony,  
>I'm fine, thanks for remembering me :) Yes, I have accomplished some things. I started taking dance lessons.<br>I miss you too, Ziva. '_

His heart stopped for a second or two. "Ziva", he sight in a breath he didn't even know he'd been holding. His heart started pounding painfully in a mixture of happiness, anxiety and disbelief.  
>She answered. She answered an she is fine. She did want contact with him! But what should he answer now? He read her email again. And again. He read it until he was able to repeat every word by heart.<p>

He took a deep breath, he still couldn't believe that she'd answered, and began to type:

_'Hey Ziva,  
>how lucky I am to hear (or read I should say) from you! I am happy that you found a new girly hobby :P It's nice to picture you in a tutu and tights ;)<br>How are your days passing by?  
><em>

_xoxo – Tony '_

Yes, nice friendly chatting. He clicked the 'Send' – button with a small hopeful smile on his face, before he hurried to get a shower and ready for work.

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><p>Ziva was on her way to the nearby grocery store, when she heard the familiar 'ping' of her phone.<br>She pulled it out of her pocket, and smiled when she saw the name of the sender.  
>It must be now 6.30am in D.C so he probably gets ready for work. She'll answer when she is done with her grocery shopping.<p>

After Ziva returned home and put the foods in the kitchen and refrigerator, she went to her computer, which was standing on a desk in her living-room. She didn't use it very often, just for registering to the dance classes, online shopping or else. She was unemployed at the moment, because she wanted to find her lost passion first. In the meantime she lived from the money her dad left behind after his death. Though she didn't feel good about it. Orli offered her to return to Mossad whenever she wanted to, but she resigned. No, she wouldn't start with that again. Not after the things that happened.

Her laptop finally booted so she could open her browser and log into her email client.  
>Quickly she opened Tonys email and read it carefully.<p>

She chuckled at his comment to imagine her in tutu an tights! Yeah, this is truly her Anthony DiNozzo, always flirty and thinking a little bit dirty.

With a grin on her face and picturing him thinking about her she answered;

_'Anthony DiNozzo! Stop picturing me like that! Get that off your dirty mind :P  
><em>

_In my first email I missed asking whether you are fine, so I'll do it herewith.  
>My days are incredibly normal. I met up with some old friends from school, I go shopping with them and try out new things. <em>

_How are your days? And how is work?  
><em>

_Yours truly, Ziva'  
><em>

She likes the new king of communicating with him. So footloose and refreshing. Maybe someday they could meet up again. But what if he doesn't like the new person she had become? The time she'd spend with her new friends changed her a lot. Also her style of clothing changed, but that would rather pleasure Tony. She started wearing plunging and slinky tops, sometimes even a skirt, but they weren't her favorite. She also tried some new colors, which tied with her skin color and hair. Her hair was mostly open and curly, she only knotted it for the ballet lessons. That was really necessary.

What she really worried abaout was the change of her personality. She wasn't the cold-hearted killer anymore. No, she'd become a normal woman with other hobbies than killing or investigating. She was a softie now.  
>Tony obviously didn't change at all, but they still had to get to know each other again. Like a new start. And Tony made the first step to this new beginning. Hopefully he'll like the new Ziva she is now.<p>

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><p>'Report's finished, Boss! You'll find it on your desk. I'm heading home, see you all tomorrow!" Tony yelled to Gibbs as he came down the stairs from Director Vance office.<br>"That was fast, DiNozzo. You sure you're ok?" Gibbs replied. "Yep, everything's fine:" Tony said while packing his stuff.  
>"Tony you weren't in a good mood since.." McGee didn't finish his sentence, because Tony flinched at him. "Alright, go home, boy, see you tomorrow.". "Thanks Boss. And McGee! Everybody has to get over it some time. I'm fine guys, really. Good night."<p>

"Bye." said McGee giving Tony a glance of disbelief as he jumped of his chair and sprinted to the elevator.  
>"Something happened to him?" Bishop demanded. McGee shrugged with his shoulders and Gibbs didn't react at all.<p>

'I can't wait to go home!' DiNozzo thought to himself, not aware of the smile he was wearing. Any contact and communication was a step forward to the healing of his splitted heart. With every word from her, the hope of a normal, happy life grew bigger and maybe someday, his biggest dream will come true. But he had to make small, cautious steps, they had to know each other all over again. She is on the opposite of the earth, so he had to deal with the emailing right now. But maybe he would go there for his vacation, he still had a lot of vacation time left because of the overtime he did at work. But for now, the chatting was perfect.  
>He jumped into his new car – a mini, like the one Ziva had - and drove home rapidly. He opened the door, dropped his gear, stopped by to feed Kate the goldfish and sprinted to his Laptop.<p>

There it was, one unread email from the woman of his heart.

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><p><strong>That's it! :) Hope you llike it!<br>****So for the next chapter I plan to post 'only' emailing, like in "50 shades of Grey"(for those who read it: you know what I mean). What do you think? Any other suggestions? **


	4. Chapter 4

**[Listenting to: Stanfour - For All Lovers; Stanfour - Desperate]**

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><p><em>'Anthony DiNozzo! Stop picturing me like that! Get that off your dirty mind :P <em>

_In my first email I missed asking whether you are fine, so I'll do it herewith.  
>My days are incredibly normal. I met up with some old friends from school, I go shopping with them and try out new things. <em>

_How are yours? And how is work? _

_Yours truly, Ziva'_

Tony chuckled reading her mail. He could picture her right now telling it to him. Like she was really there. He is happy for her. She obviously managed to get her life in order, to live like any other woman her age. After the horrible things that had happened to her, she deserved it more than anyone to be happy. At least one of them really was happy, he thought.

_'Hey, great to hear you managed to start up a normal life. I hope from the bottom of my heart, that you are and will be happy. You deserve it, my little ninja._

_So, what are those new things you try out? Tell me more, I am curious what you did the past eight month :) Did you find your inner peace?_

_My days are rather uneventful, and I don't want to bother you with work.  
>But the team does really miss you.<br>Tony. '_

Ziva smiled in the morning when she checked her emails. She is very thankful he did that first step to write her, because honestly? She missed him more than everything. Although she liked the way of life she stared up new now, she had this strange feeling inside her, like a part, and not a tiny part but a huge hole in her soul, was missing. And she knew why it was there and what to do to fill it up again. But she hadn't had the guts yet. She didn't even know if she had them now, but this chatting was a start at least.

'...the team really does miss you.' Though Gibbs, McGee, Abby, Ducky and even Palmer were not blood related family, she missed them like hell, too. Maybe she should start her email with that..

"_Hey. Thank you, for understanding and being happy for me, Tony._

_Yeah, I miss them, too. But you know better than anyone, that I had to do this for me, for me keeping sane. I will talk to them when I'm ready, promise.  
>I'm still on the way on finding my inner peace, but I think until now I have done quite well.<br>I go bowling with a couple of friends – though I am not very good at it, but it is quite fun - , went to the theater and the opera. I try some new recipes I found on the internet, kosher of course. Speaking of kosher, I go to the synagogue every sabbath. Praying and meditation helped me a lot to calm down from my inner conflict. Also my traveling._

You still didn't tell me, how you are at the moment? And, just because I do not work with NCIS anymore and left that part of my life behind does not mean you bother me about it :) I'm fine with it, so just share some news.  
>Miss you, Ziva "<p>

The following days Tony and Ziva spent the time mailing each other and sharing news, thought Tony hadn't that much to tell. And he didn't want Ziva to know that he is deeply hurt by her leaving. His heart aches, but on the other hand he is happy that she nearly found what she was looking for.

_'Don't thank me. That's what friends are for, aren't they?_

_It is good to hear that, Abby would love it, when you talk to her :) You know she loves you like a sister, as does McGee. And Gibbs? Yeah, you were or are like a daughter to him. Speaking of the boss, did you call him after.. you know, I had left you?_

_At work, I work. It is a good distraction. We had some strange and challenging cases, but as you know the team, we always caught the bad guy :P And sometimes, like I used to say, it was the wife or the girlfriend! _

_After a few months of your absence, Gibbs introduced a new member to our team. Ellie Bishop. She's weird, I can tell. And very young. I don't know her actual age, it isn't my business though. She took your desk, but doesn't really sit at it. She rather sits ON the desk. Or on the floor next to it. I know, weird. :D And she is the thinking type of agent. We'll see how she develops. Gibbs knows what he does, right?_

_So, where have you been traveling around? Wow, I really missed a lot of things in the past few months. I wish I have stayed, so we could've experienced those things together. _

_You can't image how much I miss you. '_

Wow. This was his fist email, revealing some feeling he'd been hiding in the last few months. It seemed, like he failed hiding for her now. "It's a good distraction.". "I wish I have stayed, so we could've experienced those things together.". "You can't image how much I miss you." The words drove little tears of hurt into her eyes. She knows how much he misses her. Because she saw it in his eyes back than at the tarmac. And she misses him as much. But she can't go back. She can't go back to the place where his last remaining family has been destroyed. Yes, his father never was the caring type of Dad one could imagine, but after she'd lost her mother, her sister... and her brother, Eli David was the only remaining part of her roots. Now they are all gone and she is the last one standing, trying to begin again and build up. She can't go back there. At least not now. Maybe someday.

'_Tony, believe me, I miss you as much as you do. I needed the time for myself, and still need it. And maybe someday, our paths will cross again. But for now, I am not able to return to D.C. You know what had happened there. I fear, that the memories from there will haunt me and I will return to my old self. And that is the last thing I want right now.  
>Let's change the topic ;)<br>It's good to hear the team had moved on. I'm sure she'll learn a lot, Gibbs and you, very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, are great teachers. I can tell myself. :) She's probably not that bad. _

_Oh I can tell you so much stories about my traveling! It was the first time I visited the countries as a tourist, not to accomplish a mission. And it was wonderful! I have been to Brazil, Italy, Poland, Australia and New Zealand, the Carribean, some places in Africa and South America. I learned a lot from the people there, their way of life and ecspecilly a lot about the there domestic food. I have now a quite thick notepad of receipts._

_That's it for now, I have to leave for my ballet class right now or I'll be late!  
>Love to 'read' from you, Ziva.'<em>

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><p><em>'Hey there, sweet cheeks ;)<br>I know you need this change for yourself, and that you need to do this alone. It is the only reason I could let you go that said day. The thought that you have to find sanity and inner peace for yourself. To let go of those demons haunting you, to 'repair' yourself. _

_I'm very proud of you! Sounds like you really found your passion. You really should cook sometime for me. You know I love food and I love to eat, especially when you are the cook!  
>I'm looking forward to hear those stories some day in personal (If you want though..). <em>

_I still have the hope our story is not over, Tony. '_

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><p><em>'Wow Ziva, that sounds delicious! Thanks, now I am hungry – again. :D<br>_

_Zi, you do not owe me anything. I left you because you had to do a last mission for yourself. You do not owe anything to anybody, you left that part of your life behind you, remember? So, please do not feel guilty! _

_You know, just say the word and I'll be there. I have worked a lot since you left, and I have some overtime left. I could easily get a week or two off. And I could use some vacation. :P  
>Work has been exhausting lately. Gibbs is mad at me because I am quicker with my reports than usually, and he already found a few mistakes, but never big ones – sorry, but every day I am just looking forward to read your mails. They're my little highlight every single day.<em>

_Good to hear our story is still going on._  
><em>Every fiber of my body misses you. Tony'<em>

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><p>There it is. The sentence that Ziva wanted to see. 'Just say the word and I'll be there.'<br>She wanted so badly to touch him again. To smell him again – he had a special scent on him, manly, a bit like musk and his aftershave -, to taste his lips on hers again. Gosh, he tastes so good. It was like his whole boy, personality, just everything was complementary to her. He was her other half, the missing part needed to finally be a whole person again, with no concerns, with the inner peace she so badly fought for.  
>And then it came over her. There wasn't anything else she wanted more right now. She needed to see him as soon as possible. And he is offering right now. So obviously, he wants to see her as badly as she wants to see him? <p>

She left her bedroom, went to her desk and sat down in front of her laptop, to type the words there.  
>This email now will be much shorter than the others before, but much more significant. Maybe it was the one message which decided how their story would end.<p>

_'Yes. I want you to visit me. Please. When can you be here?'_

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><p><strong>So this is my fourth Chapter :) I hope you like it as much as I do!<strong>

**To be continued!**


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